With ShinRa As My Living Room
by Bringer of the Tide
Summary: A crossover for the ages in which Sephiroth decides to trick some new Cadets into believing ShinRa employees are his living room furniture. Starring Grimmjow, Ichigo, Rukia, Optimus Prime, Megatron, Luxord, Maester Seymour, Rikku, and many more.


"A fresh batch of recruits, just bused to ShinRa today. Excellent"  
"What do you want me to do with 'em?" Zack asked, hopping impatiently from foot to foot as Sephiroth studied the paperwork, seemingly ignoring him.  
"You will bring them into the lobby at 0800 sharp tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I would like you to gather the people specified on this list and meet me back in my office as soon as you have located every single one of them." he said, handing Zack a list.  
"That's a lotta people, Seph. Some don't even belong to Square Enix"  
"Yes, I realize that, Zachary"  
"...What have you got planned?" Zack asked, vaguely fearful of the all too familiar look in Sephiroth's eye.  
"You will see. Now go."

* * *

As promised, Zack had the cadets lead into the front of the lobby at 0800 the next morning.  
They shuffled in after Cloud, all murmuring confusedly to eachother.  
"Weren't we supposed to follow Zack here...?" one asked.  
"Yeah, but I haven't seen him all morning..." All heads turned suddenly as through the doors stepped a tall, intimidating figure with silver hair.  
"Good morning, Cadets." he barked, his voice quiet, yet still loud enough for all to hear in the vast lobby of the ShinRa building.  
"General!" all answered. All but Cloud, who greeted him with a snappy salute and a "Wark!" The cadets all stared at him as if he had just insulted the silver haired menace.  
"Good morning, Cadet Chocobo." Sephiroth smiled politely, his remark seemingly directed at Cloud.  
"What's goin' on...?" a cadet muttered.  
"I thought he was gonna kill Cloud for sure"  
"Shall we get started?" Sephiroth interrupted their confused whispers, clasping his hands behind his back, gaze scanning the cluster of new recruits. They all muttered and nodded.  
"Good. Follow me, if you please." he turned and headed off toward the other end of the lobby, all recruits shuffling after. He stopped suddenly in front of a group of people, most of them familiar faces around ShinRa, and stopped.  
"I shall begin your training..." he began, starting to pace around the cadets,  
"With a tour of my apartment." Everyone was quiet for a moment.  
"But we're in the lobby." one of the cadets spoke up.  
"Nonsense, boy! Don't you know a residence when you see one?" Sephiroth scoffed, stepping over to one of the group of people, staring at him.  
"Isn't that his kid?" a cadet asked, turning to another.  
"Yeah. His name is Nikkifor or something like that. He's a 3rd class"  
"Move, door #1." Sephiroth barked. Nikkifor jumped out of the way.  
"If you'd please follow me." he said with a wave of his hand, stepping into the so-called "room". The cadets followed uncertainly.  
"As you can see it's a simple layout." Sephiroth said, walking over to a small girl with dark hair, dark skin, and red eyes.  
"This is Mother." he said, placing his hands on her shoulders. She waved hello. The cadets started whispering again.  
"Isn't that Riku, the diplomat...? Man, that kid's like...fourteen..." "Is the Genearal a pedophile"  
"Mother is sixteen." Sephiroth corrected.  
"We adopted her." there was a pause, then a collective,  
"oooh..."  
"We'll start in the Living Room, I suppose." Sephiroth said.  
"If you have anything, hats, coats, et cetera, please hang them on the coat rack." he pointed to a girl with reptilian features.  
"That's a girl..."  
"Lupe coat rack!" she insisted, snatching one cadet's helmet.  
"Feel free to clean your feet on the rug." Sephiroth called, stomping on something red. It grunted, causing several cadets to scuttle backwards. The rug too, it seemed, was a person. Genesis, in fact. He was gagged, and stapled, nailed, and taped to the floor, glaring and shouting muffled curses at Sephiroth.  
"Don't be shy, it can't bite you."  
The cadets shuffled past Genesis, glancing back at him before huddling behind Cloud. Sephiroth made a small gesture at two shadows standing in a corner. "That's the butler, Rude, and the housemaid, Rena. They have it out for me." he explained. Rena waved and Rude stared threateningly. The cadets shivered collectively.  
Sephiroth pointed to Reno, who was lying in an awkward position on the floor.  
"That is the couch." he said. Reno smiled.  
"Yo."  
"Do not talk to the cadets! Couches don't talk to people, only other furniture!" Sephiroth snapped.  
"Sorry."  
"Those are the end tables. They steal things"  
"That's no end table, it's Yuffie." one cadet said.  
"Yeah, and the other one's that Al Bhed girl from Final Fantasy 10!" another agreed.  
"Don't be silly." Sephiroth said flatly.  
"They're tables. And that is a telephone"  
"I thought that was Tifa."  
"Ew, what's that ugly mexican thing next to her?!"  
"Isn't that Megatron?"  
"No, it's a phone book." Sephiroth corrected.  
"Si. Phone book." Megatron nodded.  
"This is the desk." Sephiroth went over to a small, pregnant looking blonde girl with large canine ears and a tail equally as big. He patted her on the head.  
"She's a very good desk."  
"That's Cid's kid, Neji, isn't it...?"  
"No, it's a desk." Sephiroth growled.  
"Sir, your desk is pregnant."  
"And it has ears!"  
"Whose doesn't?" he asked, staring at the cadets. Neji purred and picked up a small child, a miniature of herself.  
"What's that, a drawer?" someone asked.  
"No, it's a teacup." the General answered. Luxiere looked confused.  
"wait, if its momma is the desk, how is it a teacup?" he asked.  
"The father is the teapot." Riku said, pointing at Luxord.  
"Oh." Luxiere said, still confused. A dark haired girl with purple eyes edged up behind the cadets, laughing eerily. A few of them panicked, trying to hide behind eachother.  
"What is that?!"  
"Oh!" Riku smiled.  
"This is Rukia, our second cousin twice removed"  
"...ookay."  
"Mother, why don't you have a seat?" Sephiroth suggested.  
"Okay." Riku said, she ran over and jumped on Loz, who was crouching quite stationary next to Neji, Red XII balanced on one arm.  
"...I just don't get this..." Luxiere seaid, shaking his head.  
"That is a chair. And the red thing is a blanket." Sephiroth explained.  
"It's purring!"  
"The chair happens to like Mother." the silver haired man said. He pointed to Yazoo, who was standing on Kadaj with a lampshade on his head.  
"Can anyone tell ne what that is?" he asked.  
"Um...a lamp on a table?" one cadet tried.  
"Very good? and that?" he pointed to none other than Rufus ShinRa, standing against the wall with both arms raised vertically as if using them as a frame. No one spoke.  
"A painting. It's a painting. As are those." he pointed to a tall brown haired man who was built like a titan and looked like he would eat anyone that looked at him and a smaller more amiable looking black haired man.  
"Holy shit, that's The Master Chief." The cadets immediately shifted away from the brown haired man.  
"Who's the other one?"  
"Beats me." The small black haired man looked sardonic.  
"Ensign Lovell? Pillar of Autumn? Shot in the face"  
"Be quiet, painting #3." Sephiroth said to him.  
"Look, there's Cid." a cadet said, pointing.  
"No, no. That's the chain-smoking incense holder. You cadets really don't know furniture." Sephiroth said, crossing his arms.  
"Commander Cactuar!" he barked. Zack, who was standing in the corner in a pot, made a cactuslike pose.  
"We shall have to teach the cadets to identify furniture." Zack nodded furiously.  
"Shant we, Cadet Chocobo?" Cloud nodded and answered with a "Kweh! Wark! Wark"  
"Yes, you're right, Cadet. We must introduce them to the shelf"  
"the shelf...?" a small black haired cadet asked, looking around nervously.  
"Yes, shelf." Sephiroth confirmed. He pointed to a tall, sinister looking individual with light cyan hair.  
"Your shelf smiles too much..." the black haired cadet gulped.  
"Door number three. Make sure the shelf behaves." Sephiroth ordered. Seraphina, a clumsy yet friendly scientist, nodded.  
"Okay!" she said.  
"Door number two, stop talking to the cadets." He pointed at Elena, conversing with a scared looking Cadet. She stopped talking, looking guilty.  
"And Teapot. The kitchen sink is staring at the desk's chest again." Luxord turned to Vincent and punched him.  
"Stop starin' at my desk"  
"Now, I-" Sephiroth stopped. Elena and a few others had moved to the other side of the room.  
"Cadet Chocobo!"  
"Wark!"  
"Didn't I tell you to notify me when the bathroom moved?!" Sephiroth demanded.  
"Wark! Kweh, kweh, wark kweh"  
"Hmmm. I suppose you're right. The doorman is rather intimidating. Doorman!" Reeve stepped forward.  
"Yes, sir."  
"We must make sure that the bathroom does not move again!"  
"Yes sir, understood." Reeve turned toward the group that had moved, which included Barret the bathroom sink, Aerith the toilet, Tseng the bathtub, Rumble and Frenzy the hand towels, and one Dr. Gregory House.  
"What's that House guy here for?" a brown haired cadet asked.  
"He's the doorbell for the bathroom." Sephiroth explained.  
"Tap his shoulder. He comes in useful when I have a lot of company." One brave cadet ventured over, timidly poking House in the shoulder. He immedaitely jumped back as House called loudly,  
"Someone's gotta go!" Several other cadets sniggered at him. Sephiroth fished his keys out of his pocket, handing them to Captain Jacob Keyes of the Pillar of Autumn.  
"Thank you, Key rack." he said cheerily. Keyes frowned.  
"This is some awful play on my name. You bastard." "Pay no mind to the key rack, it's old and falling apart." Sephiroth said dismissively. Suddenly, a small redheaded boy, Backdraft, next to Cid started beeping.  
"A smoke alarm?" the brown haired cadet asked.  
"Very good, yes." Sephiroth replied, bonking the diminutive Backdraft on the head. The boy bleated like a goat, shaking his head.  
"Ow." One cadet suddenly noticed two large black Panthers standing on either end of Grimmjow the Shelf.  
"Oh, bookends!"  
"Now you're getting it!" Riku encouraged.  
"Hey, guys!" another cadet snorted.  
"Kunsel is a trash can!" he said, pointing at Kunsel, who sulked. Riku leaned down and picked up a very large blue iguana. It was the Master Chief's pet, Thor.  
"Uh...what's that...?" the timid black haired cadet asked, hiding behind Cloud, who let out a quiet 'kweh.  
"A footstool." Riku said, petting the lizard.  
"Will you open the drapes, please?" she asked him. The cadet looked around confusedly, until Reno the couch gestured toward Ruby, a formidable female Turk. The cadet squeaked and looked at her.  
"Um... open?" he asked. She stepped aside.  
"Thanks..." he said, backing up. Sephiroth grabbed him by the shoulder.  
"Don't make the tree angry."  
"Tree...?" Sephiroth pointed to the annoyed looking half-guado Maester Seymour, who, like Zack, was standing in a pot.  
"What happens when you make it angry?" the cadet asked, right before another said, "That's an ugly tree." Seymour turned to the offending cadet, flicking his hand. six bolts of lightning surrounded him, converging quickly. There was a loud "ZAP!" and he fell twitching to the floor. Cloud warked and dropped a Phoenix Down on him.  
"He casts nasty magic on you." Sephiroth answered.  
"Hey... there's some wierd guy on the ceiling. He's telling me to set Reno- uh, the couch on fire..." Luxiere said. "That's the Chandelier." Sephiroth answered, staring up at the lithe form of Brendon standing upside down on the ceiling.  
"Everyone's thinkin' it. The mirror told me I should tell him to do it." Sephiroth stared over at the orange haired shinigami.  
"Is this true, mirror?" he asked. Ichigo pointed at Rukia.  
"it's her fault not mine!" Rukia shook her head.  
"It's the shelf you want." Grimmjow shook his head as Sephiroth glared at him.  
"Toaster." Sephiroth sighed and looked over past Luxord to where Optimus Prime stood. Prime shook his head.  
"The shelf is lying. It ends with him. I heard him talking to the chair about it."  
"Shelf." Sephirpoth said, turning back.  
"We do not set the couch on fire. No matter how much we hate him"  
Grimmjow frowned angrily.  
"The couch keeps hitting on the chair!"  
"Hey, General? The hand towels just scared off a few of the other cadets." the brown haired one said. Another cadet jumped as a sinister blue haired man, Soundwave, and a smaller, no less sinister white haired man, Ratchet, made off to deal with Rumble and Frenzy.  
"The radio and the Computer will take care of it." Sephiroth said. Soundwave came back, Rumble and Frenzy in tow.  
"These towels are dirty." he said, glaring at the twins.  
"The bathtub will deal with them." Soundwave handed them to Tseng, who walked away with them.  
"General, sir. The shelf is trying to smother the Couch with the Drapes!" Luxiere said, pointing.  
"And the butler thinks it's funny." someone else added. Sephiroth sighed.  
"Doorman! Chandelier! Painting number Two! Break this up!" Reeve, Brendon, and Master Chief moved to break up the fight.  
"So the Shelf doesn't like the couch..." Luxiere said thoughtfully.  
"Yeah, and the cousin and the mirror hate the shelf!" the black haired cadet said.  
"This is really wierd." the brown haired cadet agreed. They all watched as the fight was broken up, and the mediators snapped back to their places.  
"Thank you. Now, doorman, since I am incapable of growing facial hair, stroke your beard evilly." Sephiroth ordered. Reeve gave an evil laugh and complied. Sephiroth inched away from him.  
"Bit less evil, doorman." Reeve stopped laughing.  
"Thank you." Sephiroth said. "Now, I- oh. Well, there are quite little of you left..." he said, staring at the remaining three, who were the black haired cadet, the brown haired cadet, and Luxiere. Cloud stood behind him.  
"Well, the phone book was hitting on the toaster, and that scared away some of them. Then your cousin and the mirror were antagonizing the shelf. And also the tree kept setting people on fire, and zapping them. Not to mention the drapes and the butler are threatening to shoot people. All the other cadets ran away." Luxiere said. Sephiroth made a small, disbelieving nodding motion, causing the 'furniture' to rearrange itself behind them.  
"What on earth are you talking about, cadet?" Luxiere frowned.  
"The furniture it-" he turned around. "Wait a minute, the chair switched places with the kitchen sink, and the phone book is where the radio was...the furniture is moving!" the black haired cadet said. Sephiroth frowned.  
"Furniture?" he asked.  
"Yes!" the brown haired one said.  
"Furniture!" Sephiroth shook his head.  
"Don't be stupid! These are people, and they are trying to work!" he said as people started to drift away from that area.  
"What the hell is going on here!?" the black haired cadet demanded.  
"Obviously you cadets have been in the sun too long. Nikkifor! Zachary!" both men snapped into a salute.  
"Sir!"  
"Take the cadets up to the SOLDIER floor for some indoor training, then make them do laps around the building. Clear their heads! Cloud, you go find the rest of the cadets and meet Zachary and Nikkifor on the forty ninth floor!" Sephiroth ordered. All three SOLDIER snapped into a salute. "Yes, sir!" Zack dragged the three cadets off with Nikkifor, Cloud going to find the others. Sephiroth turned his back to them, smiling.  
"Yer horrible." Cid said, falling in step beside him.  
"All in good fun, my dear. All in good fun." he said.  
"I'm impressed though." the pilot said.  
"Ya got some of 'em believin' you. I didn't think any of 'em would."  
"I had complete confidence that a few would." Sephiroth said airily. He stopped suddenly, sighing.  
"You can stop being a painting now, Rufus." he said. Cid sniggered as Rufus frowned and lowered his arms.  
"But it's so much more fun than what I was doing earlier!"


End file.
